Giver
Selfishness is a big problem in the world, and a big problem in relationships. I think selfishness is the key reason most relationships fail. The problem is that most people are selfish. Only a rare few are really givers.
Being a giver is, in my opinion, the best thing to be, but there are several problems with givers and relationships. The reality is that relationships only work when both people are givers… and that rarely happens. If only we could find each other, and be with each other, we could, I think, be happy. But we inevitably make the false assumption that, because we are givers, the people we are attracted to will ALSO be givers, and that is where we fail.
Indeed one of the key things we as givers have to look for in a relationship is someone who will give back to us. People like us are rare, and thus finding another giver is hard. Many of us give up on the search, and "settle", and end up miserable, as I have done, twice.
But if we have the courage to walk away from the selfish people, and the intelligence to never commit ourselves to them, and the strength to keep looking and searching for another one of our own kind, then the rewards can be beyond imagination.
This does not make us bad people. We certainly pity ourselves when we are in relationships with selfish people. And those are the odds, because all people start selfish as children. As they grow up, many people remain the same, and many become MORE selfish. Only a few of them become one of us, and that makes the search more difficult.
And there are other complications. Many selfish people can become "temporary givers" – especially during the dating period when we’re getting to know another person, people tend to be more generous and caring during that time than they normally are. As true givers, we must learn to look beneath the surface and try to figure out the real person beneath. But we must do so dispassionately, using our brains as much as our hearts. Because our hearts will tell us that if we just give to another person, they will surely give back, but THAT IS NOT THE CASE.
Other factors against us are things like differences in age, location, and situation. Looks are another thing. We tend to be physically attracted to people who "look good", but looks are NO indication of what is in the heart, and we MUST remember that. I remember one girl out of my distant past who would have made me the happiest, decades ago, who was not attractive at all, but had a heart of gold. She’s married and living in Texas now, lost to me forever, but I lost her because I was blinded by her LACK of looks. How tragic. We are often told not to judge people by their appearances – how true that is, I learned too late!
Despite all of these factors, you CAN find a relationship that will work for you, and you CAN find another giver to share your life with. It may not be the person you expect, but you need to set aside your expectations about looks, age, situation, or whatever, and instead look at the true person – their personality, their feelings, their hopes – and you must invest a certain amount of time to allow their "true colors" to come out. If they turn out to be selfish, just go. There are MILLIONS more to choose from. One day, someday, one will turn out to be a giver like us. And then you will have won.
One key thing to remember is this: If you find you are living your life for someone else, regardless of who it is, and they are not fully reciprocating, then you are off-balance internally, and need to refocus. You must always live your life for yourself. Only when you find another giver who will live THEIR life for you can you live your life for them. And that is the person you marry, and have children with… and then live your life for THEM, and teach them to do the same.
